Heartbreak Bullshit.

You once told me that if there was ever something I needed to say to you, to scream at you, to share with you, that I could and I should share with you so that I can heal. You know that I struggle to verbalize only the very closest words to my heart out loud. So, this is what I have wanted to say to you.

Will you always invade my thoughts, even when I am inexplicably happy with someone else?
Why do you feel with your mind first, and your heart second?
Why did you tell me you loved me six months after we broke up?
Why do you only think of my needs when it is convenient for you? (still)
Why did you not hold me, call me, talk to me when I needed you most? It was my darkest year and I needed you.
Why did you hug me, hold my hand, stare deep into my eyes and kiss me? As now, people delegitimize my pain.

I am trying to make sense out of all this mess; I really am because there’s got to be a rational, saner explanation as to why you have become a permanent inhabitant in my life. Even before you came, I knew you would be a temptation, a possible cause of distraction, but I didn't even imagine that after all this time you would still be here. You were my first love and the first person to make me understand the phrase: we are all born into brokeness. You broke me, but you tamed me. You scheduled me into this planner of yours, instead of your heart. You showed me what true love is not, and for that I am forever wondering what it really is. I'm so scared to commit. I'm scared of being completely open to someone now who won't appreciate me, because I was never appreciated. Now I am just going through this motion of finding something good, and then fucking it up, because I say I need attention, but really all I want is the affection, and now I am becoming set in these ways.

I have realized that being a person with an active heart, who forced it to remain inactive is often more painful than the pain the injury itself causes. You caused me to be inactive. I wonder if you will ever comprehend how many sleepless nights, how much time was lost trying to get over this, because of your (in)actions, your lack of words. You know that I do not believe that people have one sole soul mate. Yes, I believe we could of been but we are not. Yes, I will always love you in some way or another, but I can't keep comparing everyone to you.

Life can only take one path in the end, history is an unchangeable story in reality. Being outside of any conceivable box we can design it for ourselves, and we know what that story is from end to end (whether it's a circle or a line). But our choices and actions matter. I think someone is helping us with the writing and penmanship but we write our own lives. You will forever be inked into my story. 

You were so inanimate about how much of a loving, kind man you are. Re-read your words, internalize them. See the beauty of this life and these words and turn your knowledge into action. Please re-think how it makes someone feel when you say, "I believe I can love you better than anyone else" when you broke your promises to me on countless occasions. 

Love is action. Love is a feeling. Love is not a calculation. 

Though it pains me to admit it, I miss you, but one day I will feel free.

Thank You

First off, thank you to everyone, friends, family, and complete strangers, who have come across my blog to read. I am almost at 200 views since my first post and to me, that is incredible. Since you have given me a few minutes of your time, it is inspiring to keep on writing.

Introduction

Do I start off by a, "let's get to know me?" I guess I should say something to the readers about myself, especially if you do not exactly know me. Maybe I should just remind myself of who I am. You can start judging me now.

All I wish to do nothing but to sit in front of you and open myself up like an over read book that has been sitting on your shelf for years. I'm a girl who cares more about everyone around me than my own self and I think that is something that a lot of people know about me. I am reasonable, optimistic, and carefree. Let's just be honest, I love listening to myself talk, but I'm educated so I like to believe that makes me some what interesting. I am extremely protective and selfish when it comes to my heart. I have had it broken once, and I vow to never have that happen again. I can admit that it gets me in trouble, but I will do what is best for me.. always. I only love a select amount of people, but I'll let you know right now that I will love those people more than they will ever imagine. I have absolutely no censorship. I will swear, it doesn't make me unattractive, it makes me more honest. My parents raised me to be a very respectful, please and thank you's, never judge anyone, to never be jealous, everyone is equal, living life is the best when you're laughing and in love, and if you're going to get close with someone make sure they're worth every single bit of my heart that I give to them. I am extremely simple. The littlest things in life warm my heart. If you take me on a road trip to see trees decorated in their orange, yellow, and red leaves I promise you I will fall in love with you. No pun intended. I could sit in a room with someone for hours and not say a single word and still enjoy myself so please do not ever try to impress me. I don't need an extravagant life to be entertained, or to die happy. I'm an outspoken atheist. Respect me, and I will show you more respect. I tried to go to religion for all the wrong reasons, but that is another story for another time. The only few times I had my best cries was from listening to music. There is a joke that I have no soul, but sometimes I believe it. I work full time, but I rather spend my earned money on someone else. I plan on traveling the world, alone or with someone beside me.  I have values and morals that I think most people my age have lost years ago and that might be one of the only things I am truly proud of myself for. Also maybe anyone who has ever had the wrong impression of me will find out who I really am through this, and I truly apologize if you do have the wrong idea of who I am.

A part of me wants someone I know to read this, sometimes I guess we all need attention, and sometimes asking for someone to just give me their ear for a little is difficult or telling someone how I truly feel for typical apprehensions of getting myself hurt. Most of the time I am extremely fun, and not really ever serious, but we all have those times where you can be extremely deep, philosophical, and emotional. Another part of me wants to have a total stranger find this and read it, not knowing anything about my life and by my arbiter, criticize me, assess me, and tell me their opinion. I apologize right here and now for anything that I say in haste on this page.

If anyone wishes to read this, by all means read this. This blog is to put my personal situations out there for people to read and maybe you'll find things about me you never knew, maybe just maybe we'll find things out about you. Sometimes the best part about life and the most strongest memories is getting below someone's outside surface, to get find each other hearts, to be understood, and to be completely genuine with someone. That's all I want. 

Night.