Heartbreak Bullshit.

You once told me that if there was ever something I needed to say to you, to scream at you, to share with you, that I could and I should share with you so that I can heal. You know that I struggle to verbalize only the very closest words to my heart out loud. So, this is what I have wanted to say to you.

Will you always invade my thoughts, even when I am inexplicably happy with someone else?
Why do you feel with your mind first, and your heart second?
Why did you tell me you loved me six months after we broke up?
Why do you only think of my needs when it is convenient for you? (still)
Why did you not hold me, call me, talk to me when I needed you most? It was my darkest year and I needed you.
Why did you hug me, hold my hand, stare deep into my eyes and kiss me? As now, people delegitimize my pain.

I am trying to make sense out of all this mess; I really am because there’s got to be a rational, saner explanation as to why you have become a permanent inhabitant in my life. Even before you came, I knew you would be a temptation, a possible cause of distraction, but I didn't even imagine that after all this time you would still be here. You were my first love and the first person to make me understand the phrase: we are all born into brokeness. You broke me, but you tamed me. You scheduled me into this planner of yours, instead of your heart. You showed me what true love is not, and for that I am forever wondering what it really is. I'm so scared to commit. I'm scared of being completely open to someone now who won't appreciate me, because I was never appreciated. Now I am just going through this motion of finding something good, and then fucking it up, because I say I need attention, but really all I want is the affection, and now I am becoming set in these ways.

I have realized that being a person with an active heart, who forced it to remain inactive is often more painful than the pain the injury itself causes. You caused me to be inactive. I wonder if you will ever comprehend how many sleepless nights, how much time was lost trying to get over this, because of your (in)actions, your lack of words. You know that I do not believe that people have one sole soul mate. Yes, I believe we could of been but we are not. Yes, I will always love you in some way or another, but I can't keep comparing everyone to you.

Life can only take one path in the end, history is an unchangeable story in reality. Being outside of any conceivable box we can design it for ourselves, and we know what that story is from end to end (whether it's a circle or a line). But our choices and actions matter. I think someone is helping us with the writing and penmanship but we write our own lives. You will forever be inked into my story. 

You were so inanimate about how much of a loving, kind man you are. Re-read your words, internalize them. See the beauty of this life and these words and turn your knowledge into action. Please re-think how it makes someone feel when you say, "I believe I can love you better than anyone else" when you broke your promises to me on countless occasions. 

Love is action. Love is a feeling. Love is not a calculation. 

Though it pains me to admit it, I miss you, but one day I will feel free.